Why I Have to Adopt

My pastor (who also happens to be my husband) is preaching through the book of Luke. Today he preached the second of a three week section on the Fatherhood of God. We were in the first half of Luke 3. He also prayed through Psalm 42 for his pastoral prayer. There was also a baptism - Donny's first to officiate. It was one of those Sundays where all of the elements of the service lined up for God to wash over me a very clear message: I have to adopt. I need to adopt. 

Psalm 42 (the guide for our pastoral prayer this morning) begins:
As a deer pants for flowing streams, 
So my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.

Donny began the prayer leading us in corporate confession that "panting for God" is not always the attitude of our hearts. We don't thirst as we should, and when I do thirst, I often seek satisfaction or the quenching of my thirst apart from God.

During the baptism and the sermon (which included Jesus' baptism), Donny taught that baptism is not as much a sign for the believer of his/her commitment to God as it is God's sign and seal of his commitment and faithfulness to his own. He also compared the giddiness of a new father at the birth of his child to the much, much greater love, affection, and approval of the Father for his son, Jesus, at his baptism.

You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased. Luke 3:22b

I learned a lot today about God's fatherly affection and approval of Jesus. I also learned that God's fatherly love for me is the same, but there is a significant difference in our relationship. I am not his begotten. I am his betrayer. I am not his by birth. I am the daughter of sin and death. I was made in the image of God and have defecated on it. I belomg, by birth through Adam, to the grave. BUT...I am God's...by death...by the death and resurrection of his begotten, his one and only begotten. God has given his godly affection and approval to his Gentile, outsider children, because he planned before the beginning of time to rescue and redeem us. The Fatherhood of God and all the approval and affection is mine. My God is an adoptive God.

My soul thirsts for God. Psalm 42:2a

I have struggled throughout my 20+ years as a believer with the Fatherhood of God. I haven't always known how to picture and receive his love, grace, admiration, affection and all those benefits I have as his child. I often keep him at an arm's distance because I think he is out to disapprove of me when I fail. My view of him is often skewed.

My soul thirsts for God.

In my new found thirst for God and a longing to understand his fatherhood more deeply, I am realizing that he has some things to teach me in our adoption that I would have a hard time learning any other way. Things about his love. Things about salvation and redemption. About true affection and acceptance.

This child we are adopting. He/she was not born into the Friederichsen Family. He/she isn't even on the same continent or of the same ethnic or national descent as our family. There is no natural reason why we should ever know each other, love each other, or experience life together.

But we will.

Back in June 2012, once Donny and I were confident of the Lord's call to adopt at this time in our lives, we began what will be a lifelong process of initiative and advocacy on behalf of a child we don't (at this point) even know. We made calls. We have taken steps. We have inquired. We have signed contracts. We have sought education. We have paid money...lots of money...with still more to go. We have traveled for fingerprints and interviews. We have pushed through bureaucracy. We have gathered papers. Found signatures. Embossed and notarized. Written essays. Answered questions. Been examined. Flown envelopes of papers to Louisville, Utah, D.C., and to Ethiopia. We are waiting. And we will wait. And wait some more. Then there will be more money. And more waiting. And more flying. And more waiting. And then...ADOPTION. We will be family. He/she will be ours. A Friederichsen. A son or daughter. An heir (or heiress). A brother or sister. Once God clearly called us to this process, we were ALL IN. And, I will say, there is nothing that will stop us from seeing this adoption complete. It's oftentimes consuming...because you know your family is not how it is fully meant to be...and you will do just about anything to get it there. To bring them home. To make them ours. And we still don't even know him/her. Not one little bit about them.

The process of earthly adoption is a grace God has given to redeem the effects of the fall of man that leaves children as orphans. This process is hard and beautiful. And I know I have only scratched the surface of how hard and beautiful the process will be. But this process...this long, hard, expensive, heart-wrenching process...is nothing compared to what my heavenly Father has done to adopt me. To call me daughter. Sister to Christ. Heiress. Beloved. One with whom he is pleased. The only reason I can know and experience the affectionate and approving love of my Father is because of the plan he made, the steps he took, the wait he endured, and the price he paid to adopt me.

When the time comes for our family to be matched with a waiting child for adoption (probably in a year or more), we will be given referral documents that will list all that our agency was able to obtain about the child. Pictures. Birth family info. Circumstances surrounding the abandonment. Health info. Developmental info. And more. We will then review this information and decide if this child is "ours." Many families testify to seeing the pictures and just knowing that the child was theirs.

When God adopted me, here is what he knew about me - what my "referral papers" said: Sinful at birth, hater of God, self-seeking, prideful, independent, rotten, corrupt, outsider, unable not to sin, betrayer. And he said, "Yes, she is mine. I will do whatever it takes to adopt her." My words, of course. Here are a few glimpses about what scripture says about the whole thing:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will
Ephesians 1:3-5

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.
Galatians 4:4-7

If you talk with adoptive families who are either in the paperwork process, who are waiting on a referral, or who are waiting to bring a child home, you will hear them lament mostly about two things: money and waiting. It's the cost of adoption. It is expensive, and most families endure a very long wait. These two things are not true for everyone, but they are true for most adoptive families.

God has used the scriptures to show me his cost for my adoption. He chose me before the foundation of the world. When we talk about the story of redemption, it is the story of God's long wait/plan to redeem, rescue, and adopt his children. He waited a long time and still waits for the world to be fully redeemed according to his plan. He knows my wait, because he waited long for me.

He also paid a great price. He sent forth his Son. The money we will spend on our adoption is not even a drop in a bucket compared to the price God paid for me through Jesus.

There is so much that I have to learn about the Fatherhood of God. I am thankful to be thirsting and longing to know him in this way. This longing to know him more as Father only confirms our decision to adopt. I have to adopt. I need to adopt. Why in the world wouldn't I want to experience this small, minuscule glimpse of what my God did to adopt me? Today, in some ways, I feel my motivation to adopt is a little selfish. I don't want to miss this lesson on the fatherhood of God and what he did to secure my adoption. I am sure God can teach about his Fatherhood to many people in many ways. BUT...our adoption is doing a special work in my life right now. As we take steps to seek funding for our adoption, and as we enter month two of what will likely be a 12-18 month wait for a referral, I am humbled by the cost that my Father paid for me, wretch that I am. Totally undeserving. He waited from before creation, and he paid the ultimate price of his only begotten Son to redeem, rescue, and adopt me.

There are many more thoughts to come from our adoption, I am sure...which only confirms how I need to adopt. Yes, children around the world and in our own neighborhoods need forever families. We have been called to that and long to meet that need in our child's life. BUT...today our adoption is serving another purpose. Today, because of our adoption process, I relish more fully in my Father God who made me part of his forever family. I am no longer a slave. I am a daughter. God affectionately and approvingly calls me his own. His child.

Thank you, Abba Father, for the great, great price you paid for my adoption. Thank you for calling our family to the special grace of earthly adoption and for how you are using it to deepen my understanding of you as my loving, affectionate, and approving adoptive Father. May I continue to thirst for all you have for me in this process. 

Broadway and a Blizzard for My Birthday

Today is my 36th birthday. 36. Another number that feels a little hard for me to handle right now (refer to my previous post if you want to know the other number that's also hard for me). While it's hard to believe I am another year older, I am so blessed, and I am amazed by the Lord and his kindness in my life.


Last night I was able to cross off something that has been on my New York City list since we moved here a year ago: Mary Poppins. When we returned from Christmas break last month, I learned that Mary Poppins on Broadway would be closing on March 3rd. Yikes! Had to get working on that bucket list. I scoured and scoured the internet for various deals on tickets. Let me tell you, it's expensive to take your family to a Broadway show. Did I mention that part of my wish was to take Millie and Hunter with us to see the show? Yep, I was trying to find four tickets at the lowest price possible. After looking around, the best price I found was $60ish/ticket for not great seats. If that's what it had to be, that's what it would be.

Until the Ebay miracle of 2013.

I like to buy and sell on ebay, but I have never had much luck with tickets on ebay. You can find tickets, but you rarely find tickets that are priced any better than at the box office or on daily deal sites. On a Saturday night in mid-January, after researching Mary Poppins tickets (again), I gave ebay another whirl...and there it was. An auction for 2 vouchers for four tickets to Mary Poppins for any show Tues. - Fri. until the show closes on March 3. I scoured the fine print of the auction with a virtual fine toothed comb. Starting Bid: $75.00 or Buy It Now: $100. I looked further, certain that it was $100 per ticket or $100 per voucher. Nope. $100 for the two vouchers which totaled 4 tickets. It really seemed too good to be true. And you know what they say about when it seems too good to be true...and so I proceeded with great caution. I reviewed the seller's profile. 100% feedback. Seemed like an ebayer similar to myself - buys and sells every once in a while. No red flags as of yet. I even called the New Amsterdam theater saying that I had two vouchers and wanted to know what I needed to do to redeem them. I was waiting for the man on the phone to say: "Vouchers? What vouchers! I have never heard of vouchers like that being issued before." Nope. The ticket guy at the office just answered my questions as if a voucher as described in the auction was a normal thing. He even used the words "best available" in reference to the seats those vouchers would offer.

Best available? Certainly not.

Since I have bought and sold on ebay for a while, I am really familiar with the high level of buyer protection that they offer if a deal does not go through as described (i.e. if it's a scam). It did seem too good to be true, but I had researched well, and there had been no red flags. So I did it. Bought it now. $100 for four tickets of the best available seats on the date of my choice.

Is this really going to happen?

Once the vouchers arrived, I was ready to get to the box office and see if they actually would produce tickets. The vouchers looked like something I could have totally printed up myself. Nothing special. On normal paper just like I could have printed on my computer. Uh Oh. Did I mention it sounded too good to be true?

On a Wednesday, after Classical Conversations, I took the kids, crossed the Hudson over the George Washington Bridge, and we headed to Midtown to 42nd Street and the New Amsterdam Theater. We parked semi-legally (depending on your perspective) right in front of the theater. I pulled everyone out of the car and put Hunter on lookout at the box office door to watch for any police who might approach our semi-legally parked car. I approached the ticket window, pulled out my vouchers and handed them to him, and said: "I have these vouchers, and I really hope they are legitimate." He got a book out, looked up the voucher numbers and proceeded to ask me what date I would like to come. I told him my preferred date, and he printed up four of the best available seats he had for that day. Center orchestra, Row S. Aisle seats.

It worked. I'm going to get to see Mary Poppins. $100 for four tickets that are regularly priced at $137 each. Speechless.

And we went last night. And it was wonderful. And our seats were so good. What a kindness. A kindness from my very kind God. So, so thankful that he cares about these things in my life. I remember my mom taking my sister and me to see Les Miserables onstage when I was in elementary school, and it was so memorable and somewhat life-changing. My love for music and theater was transformed by that experience. And there I sat last night with my two oldest children on either side of me...and I couldn't believe that I was now the Mommy (along with my darling husband who did so much to make it possible for us to go to the show) who was able to take her kids to a Broadway show. Such a special night.

Love him. He was willing to do so much to make this happen for me.

Such a privilege to be their Mommy and to take them to their first Broadway show.

I hope they will love the theater like I do.

And now it is snowing. A lot...I mean, a whole lot. Donny says it's not even really supposed to get going until 6:00 p.m. Well, it's 5:00 p.m., and there is a lot. So thankful we decided to see Mary Poppins last night.

This morning, the snowfall was light and pretty. The kids went out to play, and Donny helped them build a "slide" down our steps to our side yard. Donny had confirmation that it was a great idea and an even better executed plan when I actually put on my boots and snow gear to join in the fun. I had no intention of leaving the comfort of my warm, cozy home this morning...but the slide off our steps was too fun to miss. I think it's the first time I sledded in adulthood. Lots of fun.

So that's what I got for my 36th birthday...a broadway show and a blizzard. I couldn't be more thankful.

The view from my back door at 5:45 p.m. 

We'll see if I'm still thankful for the snow tomorrow. :)

The Crazies

Beware: This is a long, honest post. Maybe not completely raw but definitely honest. Don't read on if you're prone to judge (or give flowery advice just to make me feel better). Consider yourself warned.

I officially have the "crazies." It's not a technical term, I know. It's the only word I can think of to describe how I feel these days. Our dossier (a.k.a. all the papers that make us officially able to adopt an Ethiopian child) landed in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia last week.

What does this mean?

We are now "paper ready" to accept the referral of a child who matches our approved criteria.

When will you receive a referral?

I wish I knew. Currently our agency says 12-15 months (a.k.a. loooongest pregnancy ever), but our age range that we are approved for is 0-6 years. Most families are waiting on 0-2 year olds. We could get a referral faster if there were a bunch of 3-5 year olds that were available for adoption. For some reason, however, there have not been a lot in that age range available lately. So it's back to: "I wish I knew."

And that makes me CRAZY.

In the next day or two we will officially get a wait list number from our adoption agency. This is the number that says where in line we stand with the other families with our agency waiting for a referral. We'll land somewhere around number 90. I hope it might be in the 80s...but I doubt it. Thinking about this number makes me crazy. I have been looking forward for months to get our paperwork to Ethiopia and finally be a "waiting" family. It's crazy to think that we began this process more than 6 months ago and we are just now officially beginning to wait. I can't wait to get the number...and I dread getting the number. Crazy. It makes me crazy. How can I both eagerly anticipate and fully dread something like this? I do.

What happens when you receive a referral?

We get to wait again. It will take about 4-5 months from the time of referral to bring baby home. (Did I mention about the looooongest pregnancy ever?) I knew there would be a lot of waiting. I knew it in my head. My heart only recently has started to engage with this reality. And it makes my insides turn like crazy. It's not the "not knowing" at this point. I'm sure it will be the "not knowing" at some point. It's the waiting. I've considered asking our agency not to issue us a number and just call us when it's time.

Do you know what this number does right now to my crazy, crazy heart?
It makes me feel like I have some control in a situation where I have NO control.
It makes me maniacally wait for referrals for other families NOT so that orphans are given families but so that I can move up on the list.
It tempts me to question the efforts of my agency if we didn't move up enough spots on the list. 
It makes me view adoption as a consumer process where I just want to get through the line to get my kid.

You know how crazy you feel sometimes waiting in line in a crowded McDonald's when all you want is a 32 oz. fountain beverage and happy meals for the kids but you get there during a shift change or when there's only one cashier and you want to hop over the counter and just do it yourself? Or when you've blazed the summer heat at Disney to get your kid's picture taken with his or her favorite character only to get to the front when it's time for them to take a break? The cast member promises they'll be back in a few minutes...but you've waited a long time, the sun is blazing, cutie pie's lollipop ran out 20 minutes ago...and you beg them for just one more photo before the break...cause it's your turn. You lose any personal sense of pride and dignity and become crazy mama for just one snap of the camera with the creepy guy dressed up as your kid's favorite bear, tiger, or rat.

Have you ever waited in a line in a foreign country where there really is no line? You try (or at least I do as a southerner) to be cordial and keep the sense of a line but, in reality, you're dropping your shoulder just slightly to get one more step ahead in the line? You'll lean hard with an elbow if needed. And I am a nervous wreck the whole time in those types of lines. I wonder if I am going to survive the wait (and the heat, and the bodies, and the stink). I wonder if I will miss out on something if I lose a spot to someone else who gave the extra little nudge, and I wonder how much should I nudge?

The crazies. There is no other way to put it right now.  I have the crazies.

That's how the wait list makes me feel. It makes me view other adoptive families as competitors and my child as a commodity that I am due at the end of this.

I told you I was going to be honest.

So I just emailed our agency and asked for them to hold off in sending me the email revealing our number. I just can't go there. Cause I'll go even more crazy. I'll start throwing elbows. It won't be pretty. I might make it look pretty, cause I'm a southerner and a pastor's wife. But my heart right now is not pretty. It's crazy.

There is truth to rest on and consider. About the power and sovereignty of my kind and gracious God. About the sin in my heart and how this particular stage of the adoption process is revealing it loud and clear. About the child that God has foreknown would be a Friederichsen no matter how crazy the wait is.

I have had this song on a loop in my kitchen yesterday and today:

Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On thee when sorrows rise;
On thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies.

While hope revives, though pressed with fears,
And I can say, "My God,"
Beneath thy feet I spread my cares,
And pour my woes abroad.

To thee I tell each rising grief,
For thou alone canst heal;
Thy word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel.

But oh! when gloomy doubts prevail
I fear to call thee mine;
The springs of comfort seem to fail
And all my hopes decline.

Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust;
And still my soul would cleave to thee,
Though prostrate in the dust.

Hast thou not bid me seek thy face?
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace
Be deaf when I complain?

No, still the ear of sovereign grace
Attends the mourner's prayer;
O may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there.

Thy mercy-seat is open still;
Here let my soul retreat,
With humble hope attend thy will,
And wait beneath thy feet.

Thank you, Lord, for leading me to walk away from this number for now and to walk toward your good and glorious plan for me and our family. Right now, the number would be too much for me to bear. So far from our child. I will take my crazy heart and soul and wait beneath the feet of him who alone can calm my crazies. 

Fly, Baby, Fly!

I asked Donny this morning if I could go away once he got home from work to just get some time out of the house. I planned on doing a little family finances and then either journaling or blogging about my sad and anxious heart waiting on our dossier to finish up in DC and finally get on its way to Ethiopia...and not knowing where in the world it was in the process. As I was referencing our credit card account for some things I was working on tonight, I saw a charge by FedEx. When I went to our Fed Ex account, I saw a new tracking number. I thought: "Great! Our dossier is finished up in DC and is headed back to our agency offices in Utah. What a relief!" When I looked more closely at the tracking reference, it said: Destination: Addis Ababa.  WHAT???!!! Not only is our dossier finished in DC, it's already back to Utah and on its way to ETHIOPIA! Can't believe it.

It's amazing...and revealing. I have been so sulky and sad for the past week just waiting on this packet of paper to head to Ethiopia. There have been some other factors that have added to my fog, but it's incredible how light my heart feels right now knowing that our envelope of "Whatever it takes to bring you home" papers only has one more trip to take...and it's finally on that final trip. If there was ever a woman living by her circumstances, look no further. It's me. Right here. Sitting in Starbucks watching people arrive at the Summit train station from a long day of work in the city, and I just want to run out there and yell: "My dossier is on its way to Ethiopia!!!!" Oh, if you had known the state of my heart a few hours ago. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Mind you, nothing in my circumstances changed today. The dossier was already back in Utah. It was being sent to Ethiopia today. We weren't having any problems with this stage of the process. All was going smoothly. I just didn't know, and it was making me crazy. This is just the beginning of the "not knowing" process. We have a long wait ahead of us to be matched with the child God has chosen for our family. May I rest, PLEASE LORD may I rest in the knowledge of your faithfulness, sovereignty, and goodness in this process when I don't know the details.

Yesterday I was challenged by Spurgeon's Morning and Evening devotion (Allister Begg edition):
I am the one who helps you, declares the LORD. (Isaiah 41:14)

It is but a small thing for Me, your God, to help you...If you had need of a thousand times as much help, I would give it to you; you require little compared with what I am ready to give. It is much for you to need, but it is nothing for me to bestow.

It was a really, really good reading. 

I thank the Lord my helper who gives more than I think I want or need. I just wanted info about our dossier leaving DC...and he gave me more. I pray I will trust the Lord my helper as he does exactly what he wants and leads us exactly how he pleases through this process. It will be for my good and for his glory. May I rest, please rest, in him.

Why So Sad?

I just can't kick this feeling of sadness. I can't figure it out. Will turns 2 tomorrow. Two. Depending on how old our adopted child is at referral, I may never have a one year old again. I'm not sure if his birthday is what is making me feel sad. I always feel so raw this time of year, remembering Will's birth. I think there is a part of me that will always be exposed and raw from what I went through with him. I went back today and read through some of Donny's blog posts from Will's days in the NICU. This was a good one. Anyway, it's a strange thing to look in the face of my darling Will everyday and feel a bit more vulnerable. He is a face of God's kind and caring hand in my life...because our days are not guaranteed, and he used Will to show me that.

We are taking the kids to Legoland tomorrow for Will's birthday. I should be thrilled...but I am so sad. Not like devastatingly sad. I just feel a little bit like I could break down at any moment. I wonder if it's our adoption. Our paperwork is in the state department of Utah right now awaiting state authentication. Then it will be off to D.C. for more authentication. After that, it will be off to Ethiopia. Once our dossier of paperwork arrives in Ethiopia, we will officially be placed on our agency's wait list and then begin the long wait to be matched with a child. We will get a number - I expect it will be in the 90s. I hope it will be in the 90s...my dream is for it to be in the 80s, and I am dreading it if it is a triple digit number. Donny is good to remind me that our child is waiting for us at the end of the process, so our number will be whatever it needs to be to lead us to him/her. So I wait.

I hear of other families getting referrals, and I am thrilled for them...but with each referral I wonder more and more about who will come into our family. I wonder who God is calling to become a Friederichsen. And I am sad that there is a need for adoption. I am also sad about Russia. Since Russia is now a three trip process, I imagine orphans who are waiting on their parents whom they have already met and hugged and bonded to come back and get them...and hurting for their little hearts that won't possibly understand the terms of this abandonment...that their mommies and daddies are doing everything they can to come get them, but their President has said "no." That makes me so, so sad. We considered adopting from Russia. Seriously considered it. I have seen Russian orphanages, and it hurts my heart to envision an entire childhood in institutionalized care. And my heart is sad.

Maybe I'm sad that vacation is almost over. We have been "off" for a week now visiting Donny's family in Tampa. I don't know, maybe I miss home. I really can't tell. My kids each got an electronic handheld game for Christmas, so they have been engulfed in those and other Christmas gifts...so maybe I miss more time with them or the calm of home.

I don't know. I have hope, but I feel sad. I am starting to realize how much of my life is wrapped up in my kids right now...as it should be. I probably should get a babysitter more often. It's not always easy being home with them all the time...but as I watch them grow, as birthdays pass by, as they beat each level of Lego Star Wars on their DS and put their legos together all on their own and learn to add and multiply, I feel my heart swell with pride and rip a little in pain. The pain of knowing they are not mine. They belong to the Lord, and it is my privilege to be their Mommy. Someone asked me yesterday how I did it. How could I NOT do it? It is my greatest honor. Maybe that's one of the reasons waiting on our adoption feels so hard. When I am pregnant and waiting, there is a promise of a child, but that child is already with me. I can feel his/her kicks and hiccups. They are already with me even in the waiting. The distance and separation and unknowing in adoption feels so hard, so heart wrenching. We are in the process in adoption where we are 2-3 weeks away from being declared "pregnant." As in pregnancy, as many of my friends can attest, there is a sad reality that there is no promise of a baby. But this still feels so much harder than pregnancy, because there is a hope of a child one day...but there is no evidence of their presence. So I trust in the presence of the one who will one day bind our hearts. I trust in the presence of the one who is with us both right now. I trust in the presence of the one who will make us a family. He is all that is promised. My Jesus and the gift of salvation and the life I live now as his child is all that is promised...so I will wait for how he fulfills his purpose in me, praying that it will include a new Friederichsen at the end of our adoption wait.

This time two years ago, our family was arriving at Sea World for a fun evening enjoying the holiday lights and shows one more time. We had no idea what the next day would bring. Will's birth was so unexpected. I treasure the great gift of the unexpected plans of God that have forever changed me. I pray for the unexpected as I wait on our next child. I pray I will not assume anything in the process. I pray I will treasure everyday as our Friederichsen family of five and will wait to see God's unfolding plan to make us a family of six. May I wait without demanding my way with God. I loved my pregnancy with Will. I was so sad to see it end. May I treasure this "pregnancy" and embrace the moments the Lord has in the process.

Now I'm not as sad. Blogging has helped. Maybe it's not as much sadness as it is vulnerability. This little boy we celebrate tomorrow...his birthday...the day the Lord ripped me open unexpectedly. I've never fully recovered, and I think that's just how he has intended it. 

First Letter to My Darling in Ethiopia

To my child halfway around the world: Mommy loves you. You have been on our minds and hearts for a few years now, but in the coming weeks we will be closer to you than ever before. Still far away...but closer still.

And so you are now part of this blog. Just like Hunter, Millie, and Will, we will tell of the highs and lows of waiting for you, becoming your parents, and living our lives together. There will be lots of pictures and lots of funny stories. There will be treasured milestones and recounting of the little things day by day. We wait for the day that we see and know you face to face and in our lives as a family of six. For now, we wait and pray and anticipate God's goodness in adding you to our family.

Lord, would you help this Mommy wait well? Would you help me trust over and over that your perfect timing for our family will reign supreme?

Dear one, these verses in Mommy's Bible have been coming back to me often in these past few weeks. I pray I will cling to them knowing that God loves you and is watching over you even now:

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot be moved;
    he who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴ Behold, he who keeps Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord is your keeper;
    the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all evil;
    he will keep your life.
⁸ The Lord will keep
    your going out and your coming in
    from this time forth and forevermore.

The Lord is our help. When we lift our eyes for help, he is there. He is not distant. He will not sleep. He will keep us even as we are apart. He keeps your going out and your coming in. He does not rest or slumber even in the dark of scary night. As you lay to rest, I pray you will know the keeping and sustaining and loving presence of our God. As I lay to rest in these long days to come, I pray I would know that too. He will keep us, watch over us, and love us day by day...and will do that forever. Even once we are together, he alone will continue to keep us.

Your Aunt Jenn and I loved a movie when we were young, "An American Tail," about a little mouse separated from his family. He sings a song looking up at the stars, "Somewhere Out There":

Somewhere out there,
Beneath the pale moonlight,
Someone's thinking of me,
And loving me tonight.

Somewhere out there,
Someone's saying a prayer,
That we'll find one another,
In that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star,
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky!

Cheesy as it may be, those sentiments bring me peace tonight knowing that even as we sleep under the same big sky, we have an even bigger God who watches tenderly over both of us. 

Sleep well, my darling. Mommy longs for you and prays we will both find rest today and everyday in the sure arms of our God and Savior.

Our Adoption Process Thus Far

Once Donny and I decided it was time for our family to pursue an international adoption, we spent the next month making two decisions: 

1. What country?

2. What agency?

After much prayer, seeking advice, and just trusting our gut with a few things, we decided to adopt from Ethiopia with Lifeline Children's Services. On July 11, 2012, we sent in our application to Lifeline. 

As a fun aside - On July 12, 2012 (the day after we sent in our application), Asher Noll came home from Ethiopia to his family, our good friends, the Nolls. Although we were in New Jersey and Asher was coming home to Florida, I rejoiced in a new way with them as we celebrated but also longed for the day when a homecoming from Ethiopia would be part of our family's story too.

When we applied, Lifeline was saying that the current wait time for applicants was 15-18 months to complete an adoption. After being in the process just a few months, we quickly learned that we will be waiting much longer. Our agency had a boom of applicants in 2012, and with that will come a longer wait than initially anticipated. We still clearly feel the Lord led us to Lifeline, but we anticipate the wait to be much, much longer. As I was freaking out about the length of the wait, Donny shared perspective that will forever change how I view adoption: I cannot approach this as a consumer. I am not purchasing a product or weighing the pros and cons of a car purchase. God has called us to adoption. We are following that call, and we need to trust the Lord to lead us to our child in his perfect timing and in his perfect way. Where he leads me, I will follow. I'll go with him, with him all the way.

Since Lifeline does not have an agency office in New Jersey, we began the process of finding a home study agent licensed in our state. You know, where a social worker has to examine your history, your family, your biology, your money, your home, and much more to determine if you can be a parent. I still think that's funny. I am all for thorough processes to protect children. Truly, I am...but I think it's funny that we had to go through a three month, $1700+ process for New Jersey to determine if we were suitable parents. 

On October 5, we told Hunter, Millie and Will that we were adopting from Ethiopia. While I can't remember all of the details, there was much excitement. Millie wants a girl and her first question was where the new child will sleep. Since we moved to New Jersey, she and Hunter are no longer sharing a room. She misses sharing a room, so she is dreaming of a sister with whom she can share a room. Since we have had a few friends adopt recently, our kids were excited and felt (as we do) that this is a natural thing. We celebrated the news with frozen yogurt.

Fun at Strawberry Fields celebrating the news of the newest Friederichsen on the way!

One thing I did not anticipate was their questions about how old the child would be. We are approved for a child from birth to six years old. It's a wide age range, and we kept it wide to keep our options open. We don't feel led to a certain age, so who knows what God has in store? We have made the choice of birth - 6 years to account for the fact that by the time we bring a child home, Millie would already be 6. There are a few opinions in adoption land about whether to disrupt our children's birth order with the age of an adopted child. Some agencies won't let you adopt out of birth order. Our agency leaves the decision up to the families, and we decided that we would like to leave Hunter and Millie as number 1 and 2 in birth order, but we do not mind having a disruption between Millie and Will. We also don't mind having a child close in age to Millie. So we are approved for a boy or girl ages birth to 6. That wide of a range left for some interesting conversations with Hunter and Millie, because it's hard enough to wonder if you are having a boy or girl. Now we wonder if we will have a baby, toddler, or big kid. Only the Lord knows, but it has been fun dreaming through each scenario with the kids.

We had to wait for a looooong time to begin our home study meetings. We applied with the home study agency on July 23 and didn't have our first meeting until September 20. Thankfully once the home study meetings began, our home study was completed in just over a month. We were certainly glad to get a big part of the adoption paperwork finished.

On October 24, we sent in our home study to the United States Child and Immigration Services (USCIS) to apply for, as we have told the kids, "the US government to say that we can adopt a kid." We have to get a letter with that approval before we can send our paperwork to Ethiopia and officially be a "waiting family" with our agency. USCIS is currently running a 45 day wait for that approval. We sent in our application on October 24 and have already been fingerprinted for it (ahead of schedule...thank you, Lord!!!). Our dossier of oodles and oodles of signed and notarized documents is in the hands of our agency in Louisville. We are missing three things at this point: a letter from our bank (which is in the mail to Louisville), Donny's birth certificate (which is in the mail to Louisville) and our USCIS approval letter (Who knows??? Hopefully will come soon). Once all of those documents land in Louisville, they will send our dossier of paperwork on a 4 week trek to Ethiopia. Once it arrives, we begin the wait to be matched with our child. We are hoping to receive our USCIS approval very, very soon. Considering we sent it in on October 24 and today is Nov. 19, I hope we will crush the 45 day estimated wait for the approval letter. I'm sure I'll let you know. :)

That's where we are. That's the long and short of it. Long to you but just a drop in the bucket to me. The Lord has been so good to sustain us in this process so far, and we trust him to do so throughout as we wait for our child. 

The contents of our dossier - a.k.a. the first thing I thought of protecting when Hurricane Sandy was coming. 

Up until the hurricane, I had most of our papers lying freely on a table waiting for me to put them in a safer place. Once the storm was on its way, all my papers went into individual plastic page protectors and then in a notebook placed in a plastic bin. Nothing was going to destroy our dossier. :)

November 14, 2012 - The day I let all the papers go.

We sent our dossier of paperwork to our agency in Louisville before leaving for Thanksgiving vacation. Sending off all of those papers was one of the hardest and most exhilarating things I have done. Soooo glad to almost be done with this part of the paper trail.

Now we wait (big shocker). Next step, USCIS approval and then waiting for our dossier to arrive in Ethiopia.

Everyday a little closer to our little one...

All I Want for Christmas...

One thing on my Christmas list this year. Only one thing:

For our dosser to land in Ethiopia

Yep, you read it. Dossier. Ethiopia. 

We. Are. Adopting.

And we couldn't be more excited. 

The Lord put adoption in Donny's heart early in our marriage. He mentioned it periodically. Enough to keep it in my mind but not too often to overwhelm me. And along I came. During our transition from seminary to our church in New Jersey, I had this feeling that our family was not fully complete, but I didn't feel the strong need/desire to have any more biological children. Thus the Lord kindly aligned my desire with my husband's and in June of this year, we sat down and decided to adopt internationally. Over chinese food. In our dining room. 

Nothing too magical happened. No smoke and lights or shooting stars from the sky. I will say that the Lord greatly used this article from a woman name Jen Hatmaker (who I seldom read but hear is great) as the tipping point for me. On June 5, 2012, after reading that blog post, I sent Donny a message on Facebook while he was at work that read:

I'm a little hormonal this morning, but I think we need to adopt.

We decided to go out on June 8 for a date to discuss things further. Our babysitters cancelled last minute, so we ordered Chinese in. As we started talking, Donny told me that if he had responded to my facebook post right away, he would have written: "OK," but he thought that might be a little too abrupt. I love that the Lord gave us such oneness at the right time. There was nothing to discuss in terms of the actual decision. The Lord was clearly leading us on a path to adopt, and we were ready to follow.

This pretty well sums up how I feel right now...

More to come...

A Note to My 16 Month Old

Word of caution: This blog post is about nursing/breastfeeding. Consider yourself warned.

Dearest Will,

You are 16 months old today. I just nursed you for what I believe is the last time. Something strangely emotional about letting this part of your babyhood go. Both you and I had to work really hard to be able to nurse at all…but we did it. By God’s sweet grace, we did it. So tonight feels like a real milestone to me. Not only was I able to nurse you against the odds, I nursed you to 16 months. I know there are a lot of reasons why we have such a strong bond, but I know my fight to breastfeed you is one of them. I treasure our bond.  I will surely pay for it in some ways (like you not EVER wanting to go into the nursery at church or the YMCA), but it is so worth it. 

You’re not walking yet, but you will soon. I finally got your hair cut. You are moving on from the baby days. It makes me sad but also excited to see what toddlerhood has for you and for us and for our family.

Will, you are a delight to your Mommy, and I treasure my soon-to-be but not-ready-to-admit-it-yet big boy. I will miss the baby days. They were so sweet. BUT…I will not remain there or be overly sad that they are over. I will be greatly thankful and overflowing with joy that they happened (my adaptation of a Seuss quote), and I look forward to whatever is next.

Lord, thank you that I could breastfeed this baby. I never thought I would want something like that so much (or hold onto it for so long after his first year), but it was truly such a gift. Thank you, oh, thank you.

 The early days with Will

With his new haircut. Such a big boy!

Mommy loves you, sweet one.

A Day for the Girls

 Millie asked me last week if we could have a girl date with me, her, and my mom. Today we dressed up, got all fancy, and met my sister for a girl date at the English Rose Tea Room in downtown Chattanooga. It was such a sweet lunch. Millie went right for making her own cup of tea. Lots of cream and sugar. She drank 4 cups (which also means lots of caffeine) during the course of the meal. She ate finger sandwiches of ham and cheese, cucumber and cream cheese, and cucumber and salmon. While she didn't care for the cucumber and salmon, I was impressed that she tried everything and liked the other cucumber sandwiches. She enjoyed being in charge of stirring the homemade vinaigrette. We topped off the lunch with a piece of chocolate cake with whipped cream and strawberries.


It was one of those days when Millie had the freedom to make lots of choices and try new things, and it was such a treasure to see her in a new way. I saw glimpses of the future woman my daughter will be as she sipped her tea and held her tea cup every so daintily. I told my mom that I think she sensed that she was with the adults and did not want to miss a beat, so she stepped up and entered this big-girl world for a little while. And I loved entering her world where sipping out of a pretty cup was such a delight and eating rich, fancy foods with dear sisters and family was savored. Thank you, Lord, for such a fun, special day with my daughter.

 With Mimi waiting on Aunt Jenn to arrive

 Sipping from her little girl sized "Princess"cup

Aunt Jenn was by far Millie's favorite guest on our date

 

 Three generations - Of 7 grandchildren on the Burger side, 

Millie is the only girl in the lot

Ah, the privilege of being this girl's Mommy.

William Oliver - Happy 1st Birthday

 William Oliver - One Year Old

We celebrated Will's first birthday today. Honestly, I spent most of the day soaking up his sweet smiles and wonderful cuddles. One year ago tonight, he came unexpectedly, we nuzzled cheek to cheek, and then he was swooped away to the NICU. I have spent the last year soaking up all I could with this sweet boy. I took nothing with him for granted this year. We struggled through much, and the joy of my relationship with him is immeasurable. His sweet lovin' today warmed this mama's heart.

I have spent so much of this last year on this blog writing about my year with him. Here is my post recounting the events of January 2, 2011.

Will, 2011 has been crazy, but I think the Lord gave you to me as he did to show me a new love and how to love you and others during the chaos. You have been such an encouragement to me. Everyone loves your smiles and your sweet disposition. I love holding you in your favorite spot - perched on my left hip (much like your big sister), left thumb in your mouth, nuzzling your head into my shoulder (and most likely smiling coyly at whoever is around). The relationships I have with you and your siblings are so special. Our relationship is marked by a strong commitment and a true tenderness. We had to fight for a lot this year, but we are as close as can be. I love you, my sweet baby Will.

 I ordered a cake for Will that was very similar to Millie's first cake. 

I love that Wal-Mart gives a little cake for him to dig into.

 All the cousins came to eat pizza and cake to celebrate Will's birthday.

 

 Snuggling with Ddad and Mimi

 Aunt Jenn and Will

 Love, love, love how the Lord has blessed us with such fun children.

 

Time for CAKE!!!

 I thought this was so funny. I guess he was making his birthday wish.

 Hmmmm....wonder what this tastes like.

I like it!!!

 Looking like he might go into sugar shock

 Very sad when Mommy and Daddy took the cake away.

 

 After cake, Will had plenty of help opening his presents

 

Millie drew two pictures for Will and then "helped" him open them.

 

Happy 1st Birthday, Will.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much.