Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Why So Sad?

I just can't kick this feeling of sadness. I can't figure it out. Will turns 2 tomorrow. Two. Depending on how old our adopted child is at referral, I may never have a one year old again. I'm not sure if his birthday is what is making me feel sad. I always feel so raw this time of year, remembering Will's birth. I think there is a part of me that will always be exposed and raw from what I went through with him. I went back today and read through some of Donny's blog posts from Will's days in the NICU. This was a good one. Anyway, it's a strange thing to look in the face of my darling Will everyday and feel a bit more vulnerable. He is a face of God's kind and caring hand in my life...because our days are not guaranteed, and he used Will to show me that.

We are taking the kids to Legoland tomorrow for Will's birthday. I should be thrilled...but I am so sad. Not like devastatingly sad. I just feel a little bit like I could break down at any moment. I wonder if it's our adoption. Our paperwork is in the state department of Utah right now awaiting state authentication. Then it will be off to D.C. for more authentication. After that, it will be off to Ethiopia. Once our dossier of paperwork arrives in Ethiopia, we will officially be placed on our agency's wait list and then begin the long wait to be matched with a child. We will get a number - I expect it will be in the 90s. I hope it will be in the 90s...my dream is for it to be in the 80s, and I am dreading it if it is a triple digit number. Donny is good to remind me that our child is waiting for us at the end of the process, so our number will be whatever it needs to be to lead us to him/her. So I wait.

I hear of other families getting referrals, and I am thrilled for them...but with each referral I wonder more and more about who will come into our family. I wonder who God is calling to become a Friederichsen. And I am sad that there is a need for adoption. I am also sad about Russia. Since Russia is now a three trip process, I imagine orphans who are waiting on their parents whom they have already met and hugged and bonded to come back and get them...and hurting for their little hearts that won't possibly understand the terms of this abandonment...that their mommies and daddies are doing everything they can to come get them, but their President has said "no." That makes me so, so sad. We considered adopting from Russia. Seriously considered it. I have seen Russian orphanages, and it hurts my heart to envision an entire childhood in institutionalized care. And my heart is sad.

Maybe I'm sad that vacation is almost over. We have been "off" for a week now visiting Donny's family in Tampa. I don't know, maybe I miss home. I really can't tell. My kids each got an electronic handheld game for Christmas, so they have been engulfed in those and other Christmas gifts...so maybe I miss more time with them or the calm of home.

I don't know. I have hope, but I feel sad. I am starting to realize how much of my life is wrapped up in my kids right now...as it should be. I probably should get a babysitter more often. It's not always easy being home with them all the time...but as I watch them grow, as birthdays pass by, as they beat each level of Lego Star Wars on their DS and put their legos together all on their own and learn to add and multiply, I feel my heart swell with pride and rip a little in pain. The pain of knowing they are not mine. They belong to the Lord, and it is my privilege to be their Mommy. Someone asked me yesterday how I did it. How could I NOT do it? It is my greatest honor. Maybe that's one of the reasons waiting on our adoption feels so hard. When I am pregnant and waiting, there is a promise of a child, but that child is already with me. I can feel his/her kicks and hiccups. They are already with me even in the waiting. The distance and separation and unknowing in adoption feels so hard, so heart wrenching. We are in the process in adoption where we are 2-3 weeks away from being declared "pregnant." As in pregnancy, as many of my friends can attest, there is a sad reality that there is no promise of a baby. But this still feels so much harder than pregnancy, because there is a hope of a child one day...but there is no evidence of their presence. So I trust in the presence of the one who will one day bind our hearts. I trust in the presence of the one who is with us both right now. I trust in the presence of the one who will make us a family. He is all that is promised. My Jesus and the gift of salvation and the life I live now as his child is all that is promised...so I will wait for how he fulfills his purpose in me, praying that it will include a new Friederichsen at the end of our adoption wait.

This time two years ago, our family was arriving at Sea World for a fun evening enjoying the holiday lights and shows one more time. We had no idea what the next day would bring. Will's birth was so unexpected. I treasure the great gift of the unexpected plans of God that have forever changed me. I pray for the unexpected as I wait on our next child. I pray I will not assume anything in the process. I pray I will treasure everyday as our Friederichsen family of five and will wait to see God's unfolding plan to make us a family of six. May I wait without demanding my way with God. I loved my pregnancy with Will. I was so sad to see it end. May I treasure this "pregnancy" and embrace the moments the Lord has in the process.

Now I'm not as sad. Blogging has helped. Maybe it's not as much sadness as it is vulnerability. This little boy we celebrate tomorrow...his birthday...the day the Lord ripped me open unexpectedly. I've never fully recovered, and I think that's just how he has intended it. 

1 comment:

volscats said...

Beautiful post. I love you friend.