Monday, June 20, 2011

It's Not Totally Foreign but It's Far From Home

I've been eating a lot tonight. It's not been healthy. I knew I had a problem when I was eating the remains of tonight's Mac and Cheese from the pot with the black serving spoon. I am emotional. Not crying emotional. I am past that. It's the "I feel so weird I have no clue what to do next" emotional. I feel a little numb...which seems kinda unemotional. Donny is actually at Wendy's right now getting us dessert. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I had no need for dessert...and I'll probably need it eventually...cause we aren't going anywhere.

We landed in the Bahamas over a week ago on Friday, June 10. We were welcomed wonderfully by a whole host of people from the church where Donny is serving as interim pastor. Truly, the people could not be more warm, hospitable, or friendly. We have been invited to dinner and for playdates at the pool. Our home is of the nicest we have ever lived in...but it's not home. When I walk out the doors it feels so weird. A neighborhood in the middle of the bush. I can buy anything I want to here. It's more expensive, but it's fine. I mean, Donny's on his way home from Wendy's. Life is not hard. But life is also not easy.

I have been so tired. I wish I could understand why. I don't have anything to do. Of course I have my three darling children. I have lots to do with them, but when there is calm or some peace in the house, all I want to do is climb back into bed.

Welcome to culture stress. I think I skipped culture shock. There's not too much that is shocking. The landscape is a little shocking. Unless you are right on the water, Freeport feels like being in the middle of the bush. Small town. Not much around. You can get to the grocery and get what you want, but I have lived the last four years in Orlando (the last year of which I lived really near downtown). Life was bustling. Life was busy. I like busy and bustling. Here we are with not much of our stuff. It was nice the first few days. Now I am trying to figure out what to do with myself and my kids. I have packed up my family for the summer before, but this time feels so different. Not sure why. Trying to find some answers.

Right now I want to take these things to the Lord, but I feel pretty distant. This semester has deepened my trust in him and his power and sovereignty, but I feel like we haven't really connected in so long that I have no idea how to be real or personal with God right now. Whew, how's that for honest? I am stuck. I am stuck on an island in intense heat. With few friends. Only a few places to go. A baby, a four year old, and a six year old that are just hard to take places most of the time. Being in God's will is where I want to be, and I am confident that we are following him as a family...I just am at a loss right now for how to walk with him personally. It's like reuniting with a dear friend but you awkwardly can't figure out what to say...awkward...that's how I feel.

Our stuff is somewhere in a pod in Orlando. We packed it all up. We are officially homeless. And Donny has applications in for full-time positions mostly in the northeast. I'm from Tennessee. The northeast is a foreign land to me. Who knows where we will end up, but any sense of "home" feels very, very far away.

So here I am. The Lord has a lot to teach me this summer. I will go to him and hope he will answer and that I will find him personally as I seek him. I know I belong to him and to heaven, and I will be "at home" someday. For now, however, I struggle with feeling homeless and a foreigner. And I will seek the Lord in the struggle.

For anyone wondering...the Bahamas is not always paradise. At least not right now for me. And so I will work out my faith as I look to a future paradise while living in this unfamiliar paradise.

And I will try not to eat so much.